All great lessons are received following a seemingly stressful day. I say ‘seemingly’ because it really doesn't have to be stressful. We can choose for it to be stressful or we can choose to take a step back and ask what can I learn from this?
For me it takes me about a day of being stressed, before I surrender take a step back and learn from it.
I was having an uber productive work week, things were getting done in my business and then BAM traffic jam occurred. Managing the house started to slip, people needed help with their math, baby wanted some mommy giggle time, 30lbs of organic pecans needed to be vacuumed sealed and stored properly, children need grooming/ accountability and by Thursday I was running on empty and ready to tear my hair out.
Funny there is a pattern, it would be easy to pin it on the day of the week in some kind of superstition but there was a week in between these Thursday meltdowns for me.
Unfortunately for my dear husband I did not take a vow of silence and instead of thinking I would delegate or express my overwhelm to him I decided to make him the enemy.
After all this war was mine to fight alone, right?
After I became willing to take a step back and surrender to domestication, and the pure torture of just hanging out with my beautiful kids, loving on them and sharing a binge session of Pride and Prejudice with my 11 year old who loves it almost as much as me. I realized again how blessed I am to have all of these amazing kids and receiving the joy that _is my life_ only takes about as long as it takes for me to surrender my projects that aren't fitting in right now.
On the flip side I so enjoy business, coaching, mentoring, teaching, writing and problem solving.
The struggle comes from my attachment to independence.
The desire or the fear that I need to do all the things myself, and diving into to the chaos getting caught up in it and forgetting that I need to come up for air and many times ask for help.
We don’t typically watch TV and I see it as a time suck however I don’t think of things so black and white when I am in the surrender mode. I chose Pride and Prejudice to indulge in because I don't feel trashed out when I watch it. It was such a formal time, letters were written, and oh let’s not forget the most beautiful love story of Miss. Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcey.
This time a different understanding started to emerge from the storyline for me. Then I had a great conversation with my own mentor about my teams and the likeness and differences in the different communities in the different regions of the country.
I realized that if independence becomes the chief aim and goal and not just an added benefit from adding in goodness (health, wellness, financial independence, self resilience etc) then you you begin waging war with the laws of the universe and that can feel pretty hairy.
Did you know a synonym for independence is separate?
Last night as I was watching the second night of P&P I could see myself in Elizabeth’s sharp tongue I could see my husband in Mr. Darcy. I know in my heart of hearts he is my Mr. Darcy.
I receive his love daily and he gives it freely.
The epiphany happened this morning, all the events, little messages I was receiving for the last 48 hours were just drip marketing for the lesson that it was time for me to receive. That something I had prided myself in for a lifetime because of the fear I learned from depending on people who ultimately either deceived me or abandoned me could actually be a curse.
My own independence.
What?!? This is how I have overcome so many scenarios or is it?!?
This morning as I was playing with my daughter sharing a morning time with my boys and husband and playfully wondering how I would make it here to write, mindfully surrendering the day to the Lord ( out of desperation) and asking for answers and surrendering the pressures of closing out the week.
In a moment I received the gift of understanding.
It was like I had landed in a meadow, the most beautiful meadow and peace had overcame me. I have always known I am not alone.
In my darkest moments I have heard the voice that says “I am with you.”
I believe in oneness, that all things are connected, love, the body of Christ, that world peace is possible, endless light, community, family, teamwork, culture and that God is with me and in me and in you.
When I start giving into fear and scarcity, when I start to withdraw into survival mode because I am afraid there is not enough time or that I don’t have enough resources, or that I can’t do it all it is because I have abandoned my belief that God is with me and I have been blinded to love and abundance that surrounds me continuously.
That place is dark and destructive and lonely.
At the same time I know that it is pride that tricks me into believing I can do it all myself.
So i looked over at my husband, I explained what I felt called to complete today and my reasoning for wanting to get it done and most importantly I asked for help.
He willing and lovingly responded and here I am doing exactly what I feel called to do.
Here is a little reminder from me to you, that you are not alone and there are lessons to be learned and gifts and blessings that are to be received from stepping back and being willing to work through your own darkness.
I am so grateful to have received this lesson this week, it is worth more value than anything I could have spent my time doing. I am sure that “we” will get a lot more done now <3